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Episode 8: Lonely? How to Deal With Loneliness and Emptiness During Social Distancing & How to Be Your Own Friend
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Good morning y buenos dias. To my lovely friends all over the world welcome to the Noggin Podcast, a cozy mental health advocacy podcast with me, Kyarra Keele. It genuinely means so much to me that you’re here.
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On this podcast we provide a safe, loving space advocating for diverse mental health dialogue in the community for people of color, educating about marginalized mental illnesses, and providing resources for mental health recovery. If that's what you’re looking for, welcome home.
If you’ve already listened to me introduce myself briefly in a different episode, you can skip ahead about 40 seconds because I value your time. But, if you’ve never stumbled across me before, again I’m Kyarra Keele. I’m a 4-time published author, healthy lifestyle blogger of 6 years, and an aspiring polyglot currently learning 4 languages, which are Spanish, and American Sign Language and I’m also gradually learning French and Arabic. I’m a mental health ambassador working as a liaison between the community and my local health center to educate, support and progress the mental health dialogue. I’ve been navigating the mental health system for about a decade now and I’m extremely passionate about mental health service and advocacy because I believe that no one deserves to be hurting or feeling alone in this universe. I hope this compassionate podcast will cheer you along on your good days and offer a cozy and supportive haven for you on your more difficult days.
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Bueno last week’s episode offered some of my very best tips for low energy and bad mental health days (which are what I call "Sadboy" days) For today’s episode, many of you messaged me to request this particular popular topic. By the way if you’re interested in showing your love and support to The Noggin Podcast, showing you care about mental health advocacy and having access to private messaging to chat with me and influence and request the next topics, get a live name shout out on the next episode or get a uplifting personal note from me, you can officially check out my Patreon page at patreon.com/thenogginpodcast. Every dollar given is deeply appreciated and helps me to continue creating high quality content that provides a cozy and comforting space for those who need it most in this swirling world.
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So for this highly requested topic today we’ll be talking about a highly relevant pandemic that is affecting many communities, families, and individuals right now. But... not the pandemic you’re probably thinking. Today we’ll be talking about the loneliness pandemic that has been occurring even before COVID19 existed and I believe has gotten substantially worse for many of us since this virus began to affect our communities. In this episode I’ll first briefly share some fascinating research about the staggering effects of loneliness on the body and mind and then we’ll explore how to cope with loneliness and emptiness during these times of social distancing. Last but not least we’ll be discussing how to learn to be your own close friend if you don’t have someone to lean on in these times.
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While we’re social distancing for the sake of public health, many professionals are encouraging the use of our technological tools to connect with our friends and social circle. But honestly, I’d like to dedicate this episode to those of you who perhaps don’t have strong social support, don’t have many friends, a partner, or family around you to pick up the phone and call. Or perhaps you’re someone who does have loved ones around you but still feels rather lonely. Thank you for being here, I hope this cozy little episode makes you feel a lot less alone and can help give you the tools to address future feelings of loneliness even once this episode and time of social distancing ends.
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But before I get into the juicy tips and research all for you, let’s take a quick break to do our Noggin Nurturing segment together, where we take a break from the episode to do one thing to nurture and invest in ourselves. As I always say, a plant collector, I’ve learned that much like plants, our minds need gentle encouragement. So, let’s use this noggin nurturing segment to motivate ourselves to get out of bed and work our way up to whatever you feel you can do to gradually get yourself going. You can make yourself a cozy cup of tea, do some gentle stretching, make a phone call to someone you love, or make that brave call to make your first or next counseling appointment, journal, make your to-do list for the day, or plan out a healthy breakfast. You could take a short 5 or 10 minute walk or if you’re on medication, you can use this time to take your meds. If you’re in the car or on public transit commuting, you could try listening to a song that makes you feel uplifted, or planning out your ideal day mentally. If you can’t try any of those examples for the segment, you can still participate, so don’t worry! I’d like you to make a pledge to yourself of what you’ll do to nurture yourself as soon as you finish your commute. As I always say, I truly understand that sometimes even the most simple tasks can feel like they take all of your energy, so please pick a task that’s gentle and kind to your body and mind. If all you can do for the pause is simply get out of bed and use the bathroom or get out of bed and brush your teeth, make that your plan of action and follow through. That’s okay. That’s enough. For myself, today I started learning Japanese; this will be my sixth language! I’ve always wanted to learn Japanese and visit Japan someday, so I’m very excited to finally have the chance to practice more easily with a native speaker. The reason I decided to start was because I recently moved apartments about a week ago, and my new housemate is from Japan. She speaks English well but I thought it would be a lovely connection point if I could learn to speak her native language too. So every morning I’ve set a goal to learn a new word to say to her when we’re in the kitchen cooking our breakfast. So far, I’ve learned how to say “thank you”, “good morning”, and ‘how are you?” in Japanese. I love the accent and the way the words sound. It’s just so lovely. Anyways, let me know in the comment section if you speak Japanese and teach me a useful new word, maybe? Entonces, also comment below to share with me and everyone in our home how you’ll spend the break for the Noggin Nurturing segment…The Noggin Podcast is brought to you today by Anchor. A service I actually use. The anchor app is the easiest way to make a podcast, ever. It's the only app that lets you record a high-quality podcast, and distribute it everywhere (including Google Podcasts and Apple Podcasts) – all in one place. No fancy equipment or podcasting experience necessary, and even better than all of that, it’s 100% free! I’ve tried plenty of other podcast editing apps that make it a headache to import and export your audio files but Anchor’s intuitive platform makes it nice and easy.
Welcome back y bienvenidos! Let me give you a brief research run down on why I called loneliness a pandemic at the beginning of this episode and show you proof that there are a lot of people likely feeling lonely with you in this world which may be a comfort to know that you’re not weird or crazy for feeling alone. There are so many different reasons for why people can end up feeling lonely. Alright, to the research:
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According to an article by HRSA, the Health Resources and Services Administration which is an American government run website, in the long term, “loneliness and social isolation can be as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day which is because poor social relationships were associated with a 29 percent increase in risk of coronary heart disease and a 32 percent rise in the risk of stroke, studies have shown” (The "Loneliness Epidemic).
https://www.hrsa.gov/enews/past-issues/2019/january-17/loneliness-epidemic
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Loneliness expert John Cacioppo was the late director of the University of Chicago's Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. He distinguishes between perceived social isolation (also called loneliness) and objective social isolation. He says: “Objective social isolation is the result of having few friends or no family. Perceived social isolation (loneliness), on the other hand, can be felt even in a social context; for example, one can be at a family dinner and still feel lonely.
noisolation.com/global/research/expert-on-loneliness-explains/
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Furthermore, two in five Americans report that they sometimes or always feel their social relationships are not meaningful, and one in five say they feel lonely or socially isolated. Now that we discussed the effects of loneliness on the body, what about the mind?
Well, according to a 2018 study by the National Center for Biotechnology Information states that loneliness was associated with a 40% increased risk of dementia. This association held controlling for social isolation, and clinical, behavioral, and genetic risk factors. And this association was similar across gender, race, ethnicity, education, and genetic risk! Interesting, no? For those of you who aren’t familiar with dementia, let me quickly explain: It is not a specific disease, instead dementia is a group of conditions characterized by impairment of at least two brain functions, such as memory loss and judgment. Symptoms include forgetfulness, limited social skills, and thinking abilities so impaired that it interferes with daily functioning. Remember, loneliness was associated with a 40% increased risk of dementia. Clearly this is pretty serious.
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Okay so, what do you do if you don’t have much of a social network or “village” as I like to call it or you do have a village but still feel very lonely?
Personally, I’m using this time of social distancing as an opportunity to become even more comfortable with myself and being alone with the entire reality of myself. And I’d recommend that you use this time to do something similar.
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I think it all starts with recognizing patterns of avoidance; in this case avoidance regarding being alone with the reality of ourselves. It takes tremendous practice and repetition to recognize whether a behavior is truly necessary, positive and constructive or whether it serves the purpose of avoidance and filling a void of emptiness. Let me give you a concrete example:
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Perhaps when you’re feeling lonely, your immediate reaction is to text and call all of your friends and hope someone replies or to immediately call your partner to fill that void. Or if you don’t have many friends or a romantic partner, perhaps you turn to food, shopping, or substances to cope with the feeling of loneliness or emptiness.
Essentially, often when we feel lonely and empty we may try to run away from that feeling by utilizing other people and things instead of actually reflecting on why we feel that way and how we can learn to improve the situation. Marissa Peer has a wonderful, short, 11 minute video called “How to Deal with Loneliness (The Feeling of Emptiness)” on how to believes we can conquer in the feeling loneliness and I do recommend you go listen to her speak if you’re wanting to learn more, but I will put her recommendation in my own words here:
When we decide to believe that we are enough, we recognize that we don’t need to use other people or things to fill the void. It’s saying to ourselves, I am enough, so I don’t need it. I don’t need extra material items in my life to make me feel better. I don’t need to feel alone, because I am enough. It is simply challenging your practices every time certain behaviors arise.
So for myself, whenever I am feeling lonely, I stop to question whether I would get more learning value and personal development value out of choosing to simply sit in my aloneness and not react by messaging friends, eating, or other distracting coping mechanisms.. Sometimes I find that indeed it would be beneficial to address my loneliness by simply interacting with other humans but sometimes, I opt to use that moment as a chance to improve my relationship with myself and become more comfortable with my aloneness.
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Let me be clear, there’s nothing wrong with calling and video chatting your loved ones to spend quality time with them during these times. In fact, I agree with the professionals who recommend that we invest more energy in maintaining those connections. However, I think we can also use this time to balance spending quality time with ourselves and doing some inner reflection on making a separation between feeling lonely and alone. Because you don’t have to feel lonely when you’re alone. You can learn to be your own best friend when needed.
And that moves us along to our next topic...I feel that a lot of writers, bloggers and Youtubers who are addressing this topic recently are only skimming over the topic of how to feel better when you’re lonely and how to actually learn to enjoy your own company when your alone more often during these times of social distancing.
In our last episode I discussed very briefly the idea of being your own close friend and why this is crucial for difficult mental health days in particular but I didn’t exactly explain my strategy for learning to do this, so today we’ll be addressing that.
Here are my top two strategies for learning to become your own best friend and feeling more comfortable while you’re alone:
Uno: Think of navigating your aloneness through the lens of dating and pampering yourself. Generally when we’re in a relationship, we try our best to do generous and loving things for the other person: We might cook them their favorite meal, give them a massage, run their bath water, wrap them up in a cozy blanket, adventure with them, make them unique music playlists and so on. Now just imagine that the other person is just yourself. Figure out all of your favorite things in this universe, and treat yourself to a few of them each day. These don’t have to be expensive ideas at all, as you can tell from the list I just mentioned above. Sometimes, often times, the most simple things can make us the most happy. So on days when I’m feeling lonely, I have to remind myself that “hey, your most important relationship is with yourself” It’s foundational and essential. I actually called my grandpa who is 72 years old on one of the days I was creating this episode for you to ask for his perspective, wisdom, and permission to share a story on this podcast that he told me when I was writing my 4th book, The Diamonds Among Us. (The Diamonds Among Us is a collection of answers from older individuals ages 59 through 109 to nearly 50 important questions about life, happiness, relationships, health and more and its unique question and answer style allows you as the reader to hear the raw, thoughtful insight and true perspective of each individual interviewed. Through this book you will take a peek into the mindsets of older generations, learn the secrets to making the most of life, and gain guidance to real life situations from those who have already been there and done that. If you’re interested in reading The Diamonds Among Us or any of my other books, you can find them on Amazon in kindle or paperback form.
Bueno, since my papa gave me permission I’ll share the little story that when he was 10 years old, he wanted to go to the movies but he didn’t have anyone to go with him and at the time his mother simply said to him, “Don’t be like that”. The end. 4 years ago when I first wrote that book and even today, my papa still stresses how instrumental those simple, tough love words were for him. He says that they were so crucial in his understanding to focus on doing what you’re doing, regardless of what everyone else is doing. So from that I think we can all take away that you don’t always need other people in order to have fun. We have to learn to establish traditions with ourselves, treat ourselves, and laugh at ourselves.
Dos: If just having other voices in the background is soothing to you, I recommend that you play your favorite Youtube channels, podcasts, or tv shows in the background while you work around the house, cleaning, studying, working out...etc. If you’re a language learner I recommend finding channels, podcasts and tv shows in the target languages you’re studying so that you can absorb the language faster while feeling comforted by the voices. For example today, I searched for 1 hour french conversation videos to play in the background while I was writing the outline for this podcast. For studying there are virtual “study with me” videos online of people just studying silently and you can do your homework alongside them so to speak if you just type “study with me” into Youtube. This gives the effect of having someone there with you even if there’s no one physically there.
And once you’re more comfortable being alone with yourself, here’s a bonus tip for if you’re looking to make more friends: try volunteering in your community more. There’s a great website called Volunteermatch.org where you can find hundreds of wonderful volunteer opportunities where you can work in everything from advocacy and human rights to animals volunteering (ah just imagine all the lovely animals you could work with...I volunteered at a parrot sanctuary for two years at one point and it was a wonderful time). It could also be educational/tutoring work to technology to helping seniors. I’ve also volunteered in food banks and for tree planting organizations. It’s a great way to get out of your house, meet people potentially around your age group who are passionate about your same passions, and to feel uplifted about your self worth.
If you’d enjoy an entire episode on how to make and maintain relationships with friends when you have mental health struggles, please comment down below to let me know!
Vale, we’ve made it to the end of this episode. Again, if you enjoy this podcast and value the cozy space it provides, you can support the podcast by becoming one of my beautiful Patreon supporters. Simply go to patreon.com/thenogginpodcast. Every dollar given is deeply appreciated and helps me to continue a cozy and comforting space for you.
For my much-loved hard of hearing and deaf community, transcripts in english are now available on the Noggin Podcast website and for my Latinx community transcripts in español will be coming very soon on the website for you all as well.
If you made it here to the conclusion of this episode, I’d like to say thank you so much. Muchisimas gracias. If you’re interested in learning more information about The Noggin Podcast you can visit our website and subscribe to be a part of our cozy home with new episode releases every other Monday morning. See you in the next episode! Nos vemos en el próximo episodio.