Episode 22 Transcript:
Lonely? Comforting & Cozy Loneliness Guide(Soft Spoken ASMR)
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Timestamps
(Scroll down for transcript)
1:30 Intro, preview of resources & my no-nonsense perspective on not sugarcoating the reality of loneliness
7:28 Why Valentine’s Day is nonsense & it’s okay to be single/celebrate yourself
11:15 My foundational perspective for learning to feel less lonely & savor my own company
16:24 Transition into sharing resources + gentle trigger warning regarding very brief mentions of topics/resources related to loneliness such as depression, self harm, addictions, eating disorders, suicide etc.
17:09 What's the loneliest you've ever felt? by Thoraya https://bit.ly/3uL5geu (Authentic Youtube projects/interviews highlighting the diversity of strangers) + Hey Stranger Podcast
18:35 Capturing the honest reality of loneliness: Reading Strangers' Secrets About Feeling Lonely (Jubilee) https://bit.ly/2MGLkID
20:18: (Youtube) The Skin Deep https://bit.ly/3qdPlBQ
(Exploring human emotion, intimacy, & connection) & The AND Card Game https://shop.theskindeep.com
(Ft episodes with Chella & Mary V + a beautiful episode about a father & daughter struggling with addiction: https://youtu.be/S5BzmeLG238)
23:45: Anthony Padilla’s “I Spent a Day With” series on Youtube or the audio podcast version on Apple & Spotify(Inclusive videos highlighting misunderstood groups of people) :https://www.youtube.com/user/AnthonyPadilla
25:09: Puuung’s adorable, comforting cartoon animations to make you smile https://www.youtube.com/c/puuung1/featured
26:59: My favorite virtual study partner video for study motivation & support: 3 Hour Study With Me by Merve: https://bit.ly/3uL8iiS
28:05: Radio Ambulante by NPR: Mellow podcast sharing uniquely Latin American stories in Spanish (transcripts in both English y español) https://radioambulante.org/en
29:09: Why to give text/chat warmlines (peer support) a try
32:48 Warmline.org (resource to find national & local text, chat, & call warmlines)
33:12 Useful article for more warmline info: https://bit.ly/3sJBF3j
33:30 California Peer-Run Warmline (Chat or call mental health support) https://www.mentalhealthsf.org/peer-run-warmline/
34:11 Empower Work (free text & chat warmline for work-related support for loneliness, toxic colleagues, financial stress etc) Text: 510-674-1414 or chat at https://www.empowerwork.org/
36:58 Vets4Warriors: 24/7 national veteran peer support warmline (not crisis line) run by fellow veterans. Text, chat, call or email. https://www.vets4warriors.com/connect/
For a 24/7 veteran crisis line: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
39:28 The 24/7 Crisis Text Line For intense emotion, grief, self harm, addiction urges, suicidal thoughts, etc https://www.crisistextline.org/ OR text "start" or "hello" to 741741 for US or CA. UK: Text 85258 (Detailed review in episode 4)
40:39: Ethel’s Club (virtual social & wellness club for people of color & lgbt+ safe space) https://www.ethelsclub.com/
42:20 Ethel's Club partnered with Onyx Therapy Group (Black woman & veteran owned, addressing mental health disparities for people of color & lgbt+. Inquire for sliding scale pricing) https://www.onyxtherapygroup.com/
44:10 The Trevor Project: Lgbt+ safe space, useful queer resources & info. Chat, text, & call for crisis or support: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
46:06 Gentle message to my fellow lgbt+/queers feeling lonely or living in unsafe/unwelcoming spaces especially during the pandemic
47:02 Language learning for easing loneliness (ft Nyle Dimarco, my connection to the deaf community, & amusing polyglot storytime)
53:05 Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA): Free support groups for veterans, seniors, dual diagnosis, young adults, family & friends supporting
54:50 The connection between loneliness & food struggles + NEDA’s diverse & inclusive list of affordable/free virtual eating disorder recovery & body image support groups https://bit.ly/3eba2vM
56:11 Ophelia’s Space (Free eating disorder recovery support group from NEDA list) https://www.opheliasplace.org/support-services
56:52 Plant companionship for self care & loneliness comfort
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Full Transcript
In this cozy episode, I’m going to share with you a wealth of underrated tips and creative resources for easing feelings of loneliness or emptiness (especially if you live with mental health struggles) & learning to better enjoy your own company (Gentle smile in voice) So, if you’re feeling lonely right now and use could some soft spoken company, a helpful new resource and a little gentle rain ambience, come relax with me and keep listening!
(Gentle intro music)
Good morning y buenos dias! Welcome to The Noggin Podcast, a cozy mental health advocacy podcast, with me, Kyarra Keele. It genuinely means so much to me that you’re here, so thank you.
On this podcast we cultivate a gentle space advocating for diverse mental health dialogue in the community for people of color, educating about marginalized mental illnesses, sharing empowering resources for recovery, & providing the occasional sprinkling of zest through sarcasm & shenanigans. So, if that's what you’re looking for, welcome home!
Hey, it’s Kyarra. So, since you’re listening to this right now, I’m guessing you’re feeling a little lonely. Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret (that probably isn’t so terribly surprising) (gentle smile)... I’m actually feeling a little lonely today, too honestly. So, I thought we could just relax together. I've got the soft lighting, a cozy blanket, we have the gentle rain, I’m also diffusing essential oils right now, it’s a blend of warm vanilla, spice from cinnamon & clove mixed with some sweet citrus from clementine & orange zest. And of course, to complete the aesthetic, I’ve got the authentic I haven't slept raspy ASMR voice brought to you today by my actual insomnia. Among the many lovely tips we’ll explore together, a few will include, my foundational perspective for learning to enjoy my own company, my favorite comforting podcasts and youtube videos discussing loneliness in a raw and honest way or highlighting human connection, virtual study partners, and text & chat warmlines to reach out for kind company, advice, or someone to listen including a good ones for my fellow lgbt+ community, veterans, and another for work-related mental health support. I’ll also be sharing a variety of free online support groups, welcoming online spaces for queer community and a well-loved online social & wellness club celebrating people of color and we’ll even explore plant companionship. I genuinely poured my soul into this episode for weeks to make it a special edition especially for Valentine’s day coming up (though we’ll discuss what absolute nonsense that holiday is in a moment), and it’s much longer than my usual episodes so I did my best to craft every part as thoughtfully as possible but the timestamps, links to all resources, and transcripts are below in the description just for you, if you'd rather skip to certain parts.This piece is a cozier and updated version of my lonely episode released back in March 2020; The positive reaction to the original showed me that many of us are indeed feeling socially isolated or experiencing the void of meaningful relationships. But, I wanted to better cultivate a comforting space with unique support resources instead of focusing on dreary statistics. With that said, this is not going to be one of those cheery messages that are so common in discussions of loneliness, where they basically insist that you're not alone. I personally find that language a bit irritating because some people truly feel profoundly alone in this universe because they are physically or mentally alone nearly 24/7.
Loneliness is just understandable because not everyone wakes up with a good morning message, a check in to unwind when they get home from work, someone to send them zesty memes on a bad mental health day, or even someone to listen and celebrate when you share good news but no one is there. I am someone who prefers quiet, low energy interactions and I would rather be alone than be immersed in a loud, overstimulating space, but I still do feel lonely every so often in specific situations, for example: On a not so lovely mental health day when I just want a hug and sometimes there’s no one there, you know? I’m also more likely to feel lonely when nightfall sets in. Sometimes you cook something riquisima (delicious) and you don’t have someone to share it with. But most of all, if I’m in a space with many people that I don’t feel at home with or have a genuine connection, that’s when the loneliness is the most profound for me. Do you ever feel that way? That's real. So, I'm not going to sugar coat that. But, I am here today to provide you with a cozy space and I genuinely hope this will be comforting for you just being here with me, exploring these underrated tips & resources I have for you today to ease loneliness, emptiness, and learn to savor your own company, especially if you’re like me & live with mental health struggles that can make loneliness more intense. In my experience as an introverted being who only has a few lovely humans in my life who feel like home to me, living alone in many apartments, and traveling alone for quite a long time, I had to learn out of necessity to genuinely enjoy my own company, make myself laugh, and comfort myself when no one else is around using the tips I’ll share in this episode. But I’m actually curious, can you comment below to tell me when you feel most lonely and when you feel the most at home, supported, and understood? If you’re on The Noggin Podcast Youtube channel listening to my voice right now or Twitter @Noggin_podcast, you can comment on the recent post for this episode to share your answer to that question. I’d really love to hear from you, as always.
Okay, since I’m sure many of you may be here listening because it’s Valentine’s day soon, let me just say this briefly, for the record: Valentine’s day is casually a scam and let me tell you why: To me, the expression of love should be something that we practice on a daily basis in little gentle ways, so I don’t see a need for there to be one particular day, especially when Valentine’s day is based purely in consumerism (or at least is has evolved that way, I don’t know the original history) Companies are profiting off of the fact that we have been brainwashed to equate love with the material items like fancy chocolates, overpriced roses and vacations. Love can be expressed with material items and that’s okay, but love can also be expressed in simple, sweet that are 100% gratiz (Free) If you’re like me, from a young age, you were taught this version of what love and being desired looks like because...this is actually a throwback, we had those little candy grams on Valentines Day in grade school, you know, those little cheesy notes with the Fun Dip, Nerds candy or Hershey's kisses attached sent a mysterious crush. Did you have those? But actually, if you did have those at your school, then you know it wasn’t actually romantic for those of us who were the nerds in the corner because if you were the one who didn’t get a romantic candy gram on Valentine’s in like 4th grade, it was just taken a sign that you were going to die all alone and lonely. (gentle laugh) And so, as adults, these corporations profit off of the fact that we buy into the narrative that happiness requires being in a relationship and that a single life is a miserable life. That’s basura. I’m going to make a whole separate episode about why taking advantage of being single in your youth is an excellent way to protect your mental health, get ahead on your life goals, get your money, become financially empowered at a young age. But for, just know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. The narrative no one ever talks about is that a lot of people actually enjoy being single, some people choose to be alone. I’m actually included in that group of people that do enjoy being single sometimes; When I’m in a relationship, that’s wonderful. When I’m single, I can assure you that I’m having just as much fun (little laugh) So, don’t buy into that nonsense. As I said in my holiday episode 12 about spending Thanksgiving or Christmas alone, I believe you should make your own rules about celebrating holidays in whatever way makes you feel good. If you don’t want to acknowledge Valentine’s day as a rational holiday, don’t. I don’t subscribe to holidays based in consumerism. If you want to spend that day, celebrating your friends, absolutely do that. And if you’re all alone, don’t let that stop you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with ordering your own favorite meal. Buy your own beautiful flowers, moisturize your ashy elbows(quiet laugh), put your most luscious fragrance on, and indulge in whatever delightful activity that you would like to do, with or without someone. Okay, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, I’m done talking about Valentine’s day, so let’s continue.
Let’s start with the most important tip highlighting the foundational perspective for everything else that follows in this episode: This perspective is what changed my reaction to being lonely and it can help you learn to enjoy or at least be okay with being alone.
So, it all begins with reshaping how we view having fun and also recognizing patterns of avoidance. Growing up, I was honestly quite lonely. There was this constant sense of not feeling at home no matter where I was and feeling distant from others even when I seemed to have many friends and acquaintances. And I learned that if I only feel happy and entertained when I’m around others, and I only plan enjoyable activities for when I’m with someone, I will always be miserable alone. I also learned that if I always instantly reach out to someone as a reaction to fill the void of being alone or fix the feeling of loneliness, this will also result in me always being miserable alone. I knew in theory that alone didn’t have to equate to loneliness, I just didn’t know how to internalize that, how to truly feel it, and make it my reality. So, what was the shift that changed everything?
Well, when I felt lonely and tempted to immediately react by texting or calling friends or a romantic partner, I learned to pause and question why I felt such a strong need to be around another person at that moment. And I realized that while sometimes yes, I just truly wanted to hear a voice or share a laugh (which is absolutely okay, let me be clear, meaningful social interaction is important), but most of the time, the truth was that I was avoiding myself. I was reaching out to distract myself and avoid working on my own problems. Why?
Because it’s so much easier to focus on someone else’s life and live vicariously through them than it is to focus on yourself, and take the time to understand your own mistakes, habits, goals, fears, and invest in your own happiness. Even if you don’t have many friends or a romantic partner, perhaps you turn to food, or endlessly scrolling on social media, shopping, or substances to cope with the feeling of loneliness or emptiness. It’s the same thing, it’s filling a void. Because it’s hard to sit with ourselves, our thoughts, and just reflect. But it’s necessary to feel better over time.
So, I started asking myself whenever I was lonely and about to pick up my phone, am I using people to avoid myself and my problems, or am I reaching out to someone because I genuinely enjoy their company for healthy social interaction and support? What is the honest root motivation of why I need to be with someone right now? It takes daily practice to recognize the distinction between when to react to a feeling of loneliness by investing deeper into personal reflection versus when to reach out.
Okay, so if you realize that you are frequently reaching out to people only to fill a void or avoid your problems, now what? Well, the next part of this that I began practicing is to reflect honestly about the fact that since other people cannot fix your life or live your life at the end of the day, how can you brainstorm ways to help and comfort yourself?
And I began to think of navigating my alone time through the lens of friendship or dating. Typically, when we’re in a relationship (platonic or romantic), we try our best to do generous and loving gestures for the other person: We might send them zesty memes or funny videos, cook them their favorite meal, run their bath water, wrap them up in a cozy blanket, go on walks for fresh air, adventure with them, or make them unique music playlists. Now just imagine that the other person is just yourself. Figure out all of your favorite things in this universe, and treat yourself to a few of them each day. These don’t have to be expensive ideas at all, as you can tell from the examples mentioned above. I believe ruly the most simple actions and gifts of self-care make us the happiest. I’ve gradually trained myself to remember that I don’t always need other people to have fun. It takes time & it's sometimes uncomfortable, (often uncomfortable(smiles) but we can learn to establish traditions with ourselves, treat ourselves, and most importantly, laugh at ourselves.
But of course, it's not always so easy even with this foundational perspective in place, right? So, let me begin sharing some underrated resources for when you’re lonely and practicing how to be your own friend but still just want some comforting social interaction to help you through your day especially if you don’t have close friends or family. I’m going to say a gentle trigger warning from here forward that there may be ocassional very brief mentions of the topics that can sometimes come hand in hand with profound loneliness or mental health struggles for some people including addiction, eating disorders, self harm, suicide...etc in the contexts of supportive resources or comforting content that I’ll be sharing. So, just a little heads up.
If you feel like you’re the only one feeling alone and listening to other people’s experiences with loneliness might be comforting to you, I highly recommend that you watch a beautiful video linked below called What's the loneliest you've ever felt? by Thoraya (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9AbYAFfiVA&ab_channel=ThorayaMaronesy) a lovely Youtube creator I support, who is dedicated to interactive projects and authentic interviews that highlight the diversity of strangers. I appreciate that her videography captures the unfiltered, intricate details of unique humans: the wrinkles of laughter, the flicker of a pained expression from a distant memory...she doesn’t fill the awkward silence just because, she just allows it to be. I finally had the chance to also begin listening to her brand spanking new weekly podcast called Hey, Stranger that I found quite lovely, where she sits down on the sidewalk across from one new individual she’s never met and they explore intimate, thought-provoking conversations. So, please go show her some love after you finish this episode. Her podcast is on Apple, Spotify & her Youtube channel, and she’s on Instagram, Tiktok & Twitter as well if you’re looking for positive, refreshing content in your feed.
I also recommend a poignant and honest video by Jubilee called: Reading Strangers' Secrets About Feeling Lonely
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCrqnF3PAmA&ab_channel=Jubilee
I don’t want to spoil any details so I won’t say too much but I will say that this video means a lot to me because it captures how profoundly loneliness can impact us and how many different reasons can influence someone to feel this way. Some of you may feel lonely because maybe you haven't found people & places that feel like home yet and maybe you don't have any friends or family to call. Maybe you're grieving a recent loss of someone who was your everything. Maybe you have a high risk health condition during this pandemic or a disability that makes going on walks or seeing other faces just in a grocery store, not an option for your health right now. Maybe you're lonely because you're getting bullied, or you're spending your birthday alone (I'm sending you extra gentle love if it's your birthday today, I'm happy you were born and I'm happy that you're here with me right now) It’s also possible that you could have moved to a new place recently where people don’t speak your native language, there might be cultural barriers that make connection challenging.This video has comforted me on many a bad day by just embracing that feeling alone is painful sometimes and many of us have indeed felt that pain, so definitely take a look at the Jubilee Reading Strangers' Secrets About Feeling Lonely video.
If you’re looking for other engaging content that can keep you company in a sense, I recommend exploring the Youtube videos from the project called, The Skin Deep which is an Emmy award-winning creative studio exploring human emotion, intimacy, and connection in the digital age. I've been watching these videos for years & they're based off of an intriguing card game that I actually bought years ago called The AND (I’m not sponsored by them, I just genuinely loved it)The AND card game centers questions we normally never ask each other to spark deeper conversation and connection and they have different versions for friendships, romantic partners, and long term relationships. I bought the one for my romantic partner at the time but now I’d love to try the friendship version at some point. One of my favorite Skin Deep videos based on this game would definitely have to be the two videos with the lovely, gentle souls Chella & MaryV. I've been loving them on Youtube for about 3 years now, they made me feel at home...I felt a sense of warmth from them when I was missing the deaf community and craving to see more sign language representation. One of the first old videos I watched was a collab with Hitomi, I think, another inspiring creative. Chella is an artist & activist, he's deaf, trans, & queer, & designs such beautiful custom clothing. I would absolutely love to buy a custom piece someday if he continues designing. I fell in love with MaryV's stunning photography, her poetic energy, & just the way they both highlight the beauty of the natural body and nakedness yet have fabulous taste in fashion. They're both so talented & magical separately in their own unique way. But, balanced together though they make me do that little smile, you know where you scrunch up your eyes in delight & your soul is happy. Shout out to Chella by the way for his new book coming out called Continuum which I'm quite interested to read, it's currently available for preorder & will be released June 1st (I believe)! From a fellow author working on my next book for this year, I'm so proud of you, Chella and I hope your upcoming release is absolutely wonderful. Anyway, on The Skin Deep they’ve also interviewed friends reconnecting, partners’ evolving after separating, parents overcoming addiction, long-distance couples meeting for the first time in person, siblings navigating differences...etc. There is a beautiful episode I watched recently about a father and daughter speaking candidly about their prior experiences with substance abuse and how that impacted their relationship, if that is something that would be meaningful and of interest for you to watch & if you're in a safe headspace to listen to a discussion of that theme. It's definitely one of my favorite raw & honest episodes with an excellent balance of discussing the painful realities of addiction while incorporating sarcasm & humor. You can find the link to The Skin Deep & The AND game below and also support them on Instagram, Twitter if you would like. https://shop.theskindeep.com
Addiction: https://youtu.be/S5BzmeLG238
This next one, I’m sure many of may know by now, but just in case you don’t (because that would be such a shame), Anthony Padilla who is one of my favorite wholesome & zesty creators, 5 start yelp review from me, I love & appreciate his work to cultivate inclusivity & awareness and he has a somewhat similar show that I think helps so many people including myself, feel acknowledged and less alone called “I Spent the Day with” where he does a wonderfully creative & thoughtful job of highlighting the truth about misunderstood and misrepresented groups of people including autistic people, asexual folks, pansexuals, gender fluid peopl. There’s episodes about frontline workers, those with narcolepsy, ocd, schizophrenia, bpd, survivors of police brutality and other traumas, agoraphobics, and he even has one even one about professional cuddlers and other more lighthearted topics if that’s better for you! So, definitely check out the video version of Anthony Padilla’s “I Spent a Day With” series on Youtube or the audio podcast version on Apple and Spotify.
Next, I’ve mentioned before in other episodes that I love the adorable, soothing, no-talking cartoon animations by the incredibly talented creator, I think their name is pronounced “Puuung” (spells) from South Korea on Youtube and Twitter. They work to find little moments of ordinary love and translate them into illustrations and animations. They have this little quote that says, “Living a life can’t be always happy. But I hope you are happy while seeing my work” So, if you’re looking for something gentle and lighthearted to give you hope that your loneliness will not persist forever, I recommend their beautifully intricate and playful cartoon animations. https://www.youtube.com/c/puuung1/featured
By the way, if you’re enjoying this cozy episode and it’s soothing for you or helping you feel less lonely, my little request is that you please pass along this gentle energy by taking 2 seconds to just share this link with someone else you care about who might need some cozy comfort or thoughtful resources. All I really want is for more people to feel comforted and uplifted today, so you sharing this genuinely means a lot to me. If you want to support me further in creating empowering content to progress compassionate mental health advocacy you can become one of my lovely supporters at patreon.com/thenogginpodcast or anchor.fm/thenogginpodcast/support. Thank you so much y muchisimas gracias!
Okay, for easing loneliness while studying I always suggest virtual “study with me” videos of people just studying silently using timers to stay focused. You can do your homework alongside them so to speak if you type “study with me” on Youtube. My updated favorite that I found recently is called 3 Hour Study With Me. it’s by Merve on Youtube. The video records them studying in real-time with timed breaks, peaceful rain ambiance, and the motivation to stay away from the tempting distraction of social media, which is great. These videos helped me immensely when I felt lonely in college because they offer the effect of a quiet study partner even if there’s no one physically there and they’re almost better because you can’t talk to them and therefore cannot go on a tangent getting distracted with inside jokes with your friends, so give it a try! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ex_bNIFR1A&ab_channel=Merve
Let me share one more comforting content example before we move on to warmlines you can text for company, online support groups, and welcoming virtual community spaces: This last one is the lovely Radio Ambulante by NPR. This podcast shares uniquely Latin American stories in Spanish with transcripts in both English y español. I’ve been listening for at least 5 or 6 years or so, as I’ve progressed towards fluency in Spanish and I love to play their fascinating stories in the background while I work and clean the house just to feel less alone. https://radioambulante.org/en
So, in summary of this section, if having other voices in the background and hearing other humans connecting is soothing to you, play your favorite Youtube channels, podcasts, or tv shows while you work around the house, clean, cook, or study. If you’re a language learner, find audio content in the target languages you’re studying so that you can absorb the language faster while feeling comforted.
Okay, now what if you’re looking for real human beings to converse, laugh, & connect with? In this section, I’ll share free text and chat warmlines, free online support groups, and low-cost online clubs/ community spaces that are welcoming to people of color & the lgbt+ community.
So, the easiest and probably most underrated way to connect with someone when you’re feeling lonely but you don’t have anyone around might be a warmline, which is similar to a hotline but not for crises. Instead, it typically uses peer to peer support that’s a bit more casual and relatable. Now, hold on! Before you potentially skip past this because of a negative experience...I understand that anything related to crisis lines doesn't tend to have the most lovely reputation because some of them are quite stiff or robotic and if you’re around my age or older (I’m 21), then you probably have had some not so great experiences with hotlines, which is different than what I’m going to be sharing with you. When I was younger, they weren’t great. First of all, there weren’t very many options for text lines, you had to call usually which was anxiety inducing, and when you called...it was a gamble. Sometimes you got someone who was compassionate, and down to earth and seemed natural instead of scripted. While other times you got someone who wasn’t the best with their listening skills and it felt cold and awkward. I definitely had times in my adolescence when I hung up the phone feeling worse than when I originally called for support. So, for that reason, I absolutely understand that some of you don’t have good associations with this concept. The good news is that the ones that I test & share in my episodes (including the Crisis Text Line and all of the warm lines for peer support that I'll be sharing in a moment) are better resources that are a bit more natural and pleasant to put you at ease. So, try not to give up on certain mental health resources just because of one or two bad experiences. There’s been progress in the last several years. There's also an excellent analogy I heard recently that I wish I could claim as my own brilliance but I cannot (smile). I can't remember who shared it but essentially they asked, if you go to the dentist or doctor and it's a terrible experience, do you just stop going to the dentist and stop doing your health checkups for the rest of your life? Well, perhaps. But, probably not, right? You'd simply find a different doctor or dentist that you feel more comfortable with, who listens to you. It's the same for a crisis line or warmline. Not all of them are going to fit for you, maybe you got a particular operator or volunteer that just started their first day, so they’re nervous and they said some nonsense. That's okay. Try a different operator or a different text line or hotline. This applies to any type of mental health care, including therapy. It hardly even goes to plan the first time. When you contact these lines, whether for peer support or crisis, take everything with a grain of salt, be open to texting more than one, and try to remember that if they seem stiff at first or they can't answer a certain question, it's not because they don't want to be friendly, it's likely just because of a safety protocol that they can’t answer in a certain way.
So, where do you find these warmlines? Warmline.org is a resource to find text, chat, and call warmlines in your state. Just a heads up: don't worry if this website seems a little out-dated style wise, the valuable warmline directory information is frequently updated, I did check. So, definitely start here for an idea of warmlines available both at a national level and in your local area.
Idontmind.com also has a valuable article that I shared recently on The Noggin Podcast Twitter (@Noggin_podcast) regarding 5 things you should know about warmlines, which is an excellent place to start if you’re feeling hesitant or would like a more detailed explanation on this wonderful resource. https://idontmind.com/journal/5-things-you-should-know-about-warmlines
The California Peer-Run Warm Line by mentalhealthsf.org, which I reviewed in episode 4 which is a wonderful Bay area resource is actually what inspired me to try to start a warmline with my team back when I worked as a mental health ambassador at my university before I recently graduated. So, thank you to The California Peer-Run Warmline for enlightening me with the world of warmlines when previously I only knew about hotlines and I didn’t really like them and now I have some restored faith. So, definitely try the The California Peer-Run Warmline if you’re in the Bay Area. https://www.mentalhealthsf.org/peer-run-warmline/
Okay, what about a free text and chat warm line for work-related loneliness and stress? I got that for you too. I discovered this one super recently, so I didn’t have the opportunity to test myself yet but I will soon. It’s called Empower Work. This resource has been highlighted by Forbes, which is a good sign and here’s the basic premise of why should give it a try:
So, in 2017, Empower Work set out to answer the question: “how can we better support people at work?”
Their website explains that: “Tough work situations are universal, but the resources to navigate them are not. Nearly 95 percent of the people we surveyed said they'd experienced a significant work challenge--and half left their job as a result. The employees who are impacted the most? Those with less social capital such as women, LGBT+, first generation in their family to go to college or join an industry, people of color” So, empower Work was born from the belief that every person should have an advocate to support their professional journey and equip them with the skills to successfully handle complex work challenges.
You can text them or chat online with a peer counselor about work anxiety, feeling isolated, alone or discriminated against, or toxic work spaces in general. They can also help you navigate low motivation, new job transitions, conflicts with your boss/coworker, pandemic health concerns, unethical behavior, and even topics related to your pay, which is pretty useful, right?
All you have to do is text their help line which is 510-674-1414 or click on the chat feature at empowerwork.org. Both the text line number and the website link are in this description for you.
Basically they just connect you with a trained peer counselor and working professional within 2 minutes. They introduce themselves, ask questions, reflect and support you in finding options for a solution without telling you what to do because no one wants to be told what to do when you’re grown (smiles) and besides, you understand your situation best.
Their website says over 90 percent of users say they feel better after talking to a peer counselor, so it’s absolutely worth a try and I’ll be experimenting with this resource to report back to you, but for now the link is below for you to explore.
Work support: https://www.empowerwork.org/
For my lovely veterans and families of veterans out there, I wanted to find a compassionate resource for you as well, so that you can reach out if you feel lonely & you need someone to talk to or someone to listen who genuinely understands because you deserve that. I did quite a bit of research to sift through potential choices, and I found Vets4warriors.com (repeats) as an option for someone for you to talk to. This is a 24/7 national peer support warmline run by fellow veterans and members of the veteran community with text, chat, call and email options so you can pick what feels best for you. To be clear again, this is more of a warmline and not a crisis line but if you’re looking for a crisis line specific to veterans, I recommend you go to a resource I’ve recommended before which is VeteranCrisisLine.net
But for the Vets4Warriors peer support line, there is no limit on how often you contact them and if you want them to follow up to receive further help after your initial contact, they can do that for you. It’s completely confidential and their website says conversations are not recorded. No one from the VA or chain of command can see the records, so you don’t have to worry. With that said please don’t hesitate to reach out to them if you need someone, the link is below for you. https://www.vets4warriors.com/connect/
Whenever I feel truly low, alone, and I think no one cares, I just remind myself that most of these crisis lines and warm lines are staffed by unpaid volunteers. Which means these trained individuals answer these calls or texts because they want to and they care. They do it because they understand either through personal mental health experience, or they may have someone they love that struggles and they've observed the pain. They don't want others to suffer, so they passionately volunteer their time during hours of the day or night, including often weeks or months just to go through unpaid training. My point is: when you feel like absolutely no one cares, just remember these warm lines and hotlines exist only because people care and they don't want you to suffer all alone, and I don’t want that either (:
If you're looking for crisis support more like a hotline instead of peer support, not just for suicidal ideation but also to ease you through any mental health issue, self-harm or addiction urges, grief or intense emotion, the 24/7 Crisis Text Line I’ve reviewed before is linked below. You can text them any word to begin, for example, "start" or "hello" & they reply within a few minutes. You can also listen to episode 4 where I share other free mental health hotlines that I tested. I've used this crisis line quite a few times when I was younger & honestly once more recently when I had to take my own advice and just reach out. I felt better afterward, (umm) not perfect but the weight was lighter on my heart, if you understand what I mean. The Crisis Text Line is a safe place to express when everything feels like just too much and you don't have someone to lean on or you don't want to feel like a burden by telling a friend, this is a good option.
Okay, let's move on to exploring some neat online clubs and virtual spaces for connection! A wonderful, highly praised, and appreciated option highlighted for affordable online community especially for people of color and queer community is Ethel’s Club, founded by Naj Austin. Ethel’s club has been celebrated by Self, Today, Vice, and featured in articles by The New York Times. Their mission is to create healing spaces that center and celebrate people of color through conversation, wellness, and creativity. They always emphasize to care for your homies and they have a zero-tolerance policy for discrimination of any kind.
A lovely quote from the founder Naj says: “I wake up every day as a Black woman & first-time founder who gets to use all my energy and time to create moments of joy for my community. What a gift.”
I just really love that quote so I wanted to share it with you. I discovered Ethel’s club a few months ago and was fascinated because I’ve never seen an online social and wellness club designed quite like this. They have live-streamed and recorded classes, breathwork/meditation, writing classes, book clubs, small group healing sessions, discussions with wellness leaders, licensed practitioners, and healers. You can also chat one on one with members across the world and even engage in wellness or workout sessions to break up your work from home routine and feel encouraged. To provide further to provide culturally competent care, they even recently partnered with Onyx Therapy Group (which is a DC based, black woman, veteran owned business addressing mental health disparities in communities for people of color and LGBT)
Just to be clear, this is not sponsored by Ethel's club at all, I just wanted to shout out Naj for her lovely work. For all that includes and how much love the team clearly pours into this comforting space, I’d say it’s absolutely worth the affordable $17 a month if you’re lonely and craving connection. Especially since there's good news: they offer a free 1-week trial so you can explore and see if it feels right. You can just go to https://www.ethelsclub.com. I’ve been following them on Twitter and so many individuals deeply cherish this community resource. Some of their past workshops include intriguing ones like Opening Portals & Soft Spaces for Rest which sounds so lovely to me, or Unplugging for the Soul; intimate discussions on the radical role of platonic love & relationships.
This seems like a lovely gift to so many individuals who are looking for something to add zest and a smile to their day. And I’m curious, have any of you joined or heard of Ethel’s club? Comment below to let me know. Either way please go show Naj and the other creatives some love at https://www.ethelsclub.com/ or on their Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. https://twitter.com/ethelsclub?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor
Okay, for those of you looking for lgbt+ community and support to feel less lonely, The Trevor Project is always a lovely resource that I share here on The Noggin Podcast. For those of you who may be unacquainted: The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning youth. I've shared my review of their free 24/7 text & chat resources and I do absolutely recommend that you utilize them if you're hurting, feeling lonely, or needing someone kind to listen to you vent. They offer a welcoming, confidential way to chat with a trained counselor who understands & supports the queer community. But for this episode, I'll emphasize utilizing their Trevor Support Center that has many thoughtful resources for lgbt+ youth & allies to find answers to questions about gender, orientation, navigating school & family, or religious spaces as a queer person. There’s also information about access to affordable health care & testing, etc. For more specific examples: they have support for black lgbt+ youth, a guide for how queer folks can cope with anxiety & stress during this pandemic, more detailed guides for allies to support nonbinary, bisexual & trans youth. They even coming out handbook for anyone who wants to share this part of themselves with someone. The link to the Trevor Project support center, chat, text, and call lines will be below in the description. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Before we continue, I just want to speak to my fellow queers for a moment who may be feeling lonely or perhaps feeling isolated in unsafe or unwelcoming spaces especially during this pandemic: First of all, hey, I'm so happy you're here. I want you to know that I care about you & I'm right here with you in this space, even though you may be somewhere far away in the world. I'm sending you my most gentle love and I encourage you to stay proactive in finding online queer communities, lgbt creatives to relate to, and overall safe spaces ((smiles) lucky for you you've already accidentally discovered a three in one in that regard, since you're here and you found me, so I hope this is comforting to you to know that you are welcome here and I understand)
As a connection point and also a transition into a relevant tangent about using language learning as a tool for easing loneliness, Nyle Dimarco is an excellent example of someone who I think helps so many people who are part of the queer community and/or part of the deaf and hard of hearing community feel less lonely and more at home. I remember when I was a young, little whippersnapper, like 16, this scene from America's Next Top Model when Nyle Dimarco, which if you’re not familiar, he’s a deaf activist, actor, and is also part of the lgbt+ community who became the first deaf winner of that show and launched his modeling career, was discussing being the only deaf contestant... since this was many years ago so I can't recall exactly but I believe in this scene where he speaks briefly about the language differences and just wanting to be able to connect more with the other models who didn't know sign language or something along those lines, expressing how far knowing the basics of another language can go to connect strangers. That stuck with me for such a long time, obviously because it’s many years later and here we are. When he won America's Next Top Model, it meant so much to me, that representation, because at that time I had been learning sign language for several years to better connect with my older sister who lost her hearing when we were teenagers and she introduced me to the deaf community. I'm a bit hard of hearing myself, nothing major but enough to be frustrating or a little overwhelming at times and enough for me to want a hearing test, I remember the first day my sister who later studied to become an audiologist got me a hearing test and let me try her hearing aids for the first time, and honestly I started instantly crying out of joy and shock because I couldn't believe how much better I could hear in contrast to how much I was straining before. But it wasn’t until I had them in my ear that I was like, “Oh my gosh...Wow, is this how humans with good hearing experience the world” (gentle laugh) It was such a surreal moment. I didn't continue hearing aids long term but I do still find deep comfort and joy in seeing and using sign language and when I reflect back 6 years ago, that memory of seeing Nyle DiMarco experiencing that language difference on the show and how it made him feel, was an early influence that propelled me to invest more seriously into my polyglot journey because I realized the power of learning other languages to connect, bond, to spark a sense of home comfort even when I meet a stranger which makes me and the other person feel less alone. Learning more languages means that you can understand more inside jokes, you can make customers feel welcome in your business, you can laugh at more memes, and it’s amazing how far just knowing the basics of a language can go to build trust or spark friendship. Learning a bit of Arabic has started many friendships for me. I remember long Lyft rides that were so much fun as soon as the driver realized I spoke Spanish or was learning French especially in the Bay Area or when I was living in Florida. I'll tell you this last brief story about bonding through language learning and then I'll move on to the last section of sharing support groups. So,: I was in a Lyft and the driver was 100% silent the whole time, and we actually got lost in San Francisco when I had just moved there because we arrived at the wrong location of a particular Hispanic mercado (market) that had 10 of the same name within a few block radius. When I tried to explain, he looked quite stressed and said he didn't speak or understand much English so my explanation was not working. Now, the only reason we got where we were supposed to go while still laughing and having a jolly good time is because I asked him, what he speaks and he said Portugese, I don’t speak Portugues pero hablo español (Spanish) so just talk to me in Portugese and we’ll make it work. That man started talking; it was like a magical door opened up. I’d just respond in Spanish and if I didn’t understand a word every once in a while, I’d just take an educated guess comparing a word in Spanish and he’d correct me if I was misunderstanding. Anyway, the point of that tangent is to say that Nyle DiMarco is fabulous, learning other people's languages helps everyone feel less lonely, and also you should definitely go watch the video on Youtube of Nyle and Chella teaching lgbt+ related signs in American sign language (ASL) because that connects to the topic of queer community and bonding through language.
Okay, in the final section of this episode, I want to share free online mental health support groups with you if you’re looking for consistent ways to cope with loneliness and connect to others who not only can understand the struggles on your journey but who can also share new perspectives for healing, lessons learned from mistakes, and celebrate the little victories.
You can explore free support groups for virtually any mental health topic through a simple google search but I'll briefly share just two that I investigated to see if I would personally use them or be willing to recommend to a friend because I only want to provide you with thoughtful resources.
For the first option: DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) offers free online support groups to provide people living with depression and bipolar disorder a place to share experiences, discuss coping skills, and offer hope to one another. These groups are peer-led, meaning they're facilitated by someone living with a mood disorder. DBSA has one or two different groups offered almost every day from taking a look at their schedule in February, including groups for Veterans, seniors, dual diagnosis, young adults, and a family & friends support group. So, I encourage you to explore those groups.
https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/chapters-and-support-groups/online-support-groups/
https://www.supportgroupscentral.com/groups_detail.cfm?cid=18
I also understand that loneliness can make your relationship with food not so lovely sometimes, whether that’s overeating or under eating. Sometimes harsh thoughts about food rules pop up or using food as a comfort to ease the pain of feeling alone can spiral out of control. With that in mind, I thought it might be helpful for someone out there if the last support group resource I share today are the virtual support groups through NEDA, which is the National Eating Disorders Association. Anyone of any age, gender, or race can struggle with unhealthy food relationships or body image struggles even if they don’t seem physically look unwell or seem insecure. Even if they have a body that looks stereotypically healthy in the way that the media portrays healthy bodies, someone can still be struggling in their mind and just be unfortunately creative at hiding self-destructive behaviors. So, for that reason, NEDA offers many different options of eating disorder support groups for diverse demographics. If it’s typically challenging for you to find welcoming spaces or representation for people like you who may have food struggles, the NEDA list will absolutely help you, so please take a look. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/neda-network-virtual-support-groups
There’s also a particular group from that NEDA list called Ophelia’s Space that seems quite lovely. I explored their website and noted that you don’t need a diagnosis to attend, it’s for ages 16 years and older and all identities are welcome to come join this supportive space, so I gently encourage you to take a look at the Ophelia’s Space link below or the other support groups from Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) & National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA). Since it’s free, you have nothing to lose and potentially a lot of peace and comfort to gain, so. https://www.opheliasplace.org/support-services
If all else fails in the attempts to ease loneliness, there are always plantitas (smiles). I couldn’t finish this episode without sharing about plant companionship. Little plants are such an easy, affordable way to feel less lonely. I know it sounds silly, but until you’ve raised a bunch of plantitas and sat in a room surrounded by cheerful, sprouting green beings, you just...you have to experience it to understand. I’ve always lived with an abundance of house plants through high school and five years of college. I was that college kid in the dorms that would bring home a 3.5 or 4-foot alocasia and just be beaming from ear to ear, whispering sweet nothings to my plants while watering them and fussing over how precious they looked instead of doing my homework. That was me. They always make me feel a sense of peace and comfort. To me, a house is simply not a home if there are no happy little plants. Currently, my plant collection has transitioned significantly because I’ve moved across the country from California to New York so instead of having elegant draping pothos and monsteras, I’m now growing fruits and veggies from food scraps which is a more practical, low waste option for my lifestyle that involves more frequent moving than the average person and I don’t want to be bond with expensive plants and then be sad every time I have to give them away, which keeps happening. So instead, thriving in my windowsill, I currently have roma and sweet cherry tomatoes, carrots, lemons, green onions, and even potatoes gradually growing in this windowsill and every day it gives me something to look forward to, a reason to open my blinds because they need sunshine and so do I because I’m a plantita, too. They make me smile because it feels like they’re keeping me company. I highly recommend finding yourself an affordable, low maintenance, no-nonsense plant like a pothos vine (however you pronounce it). I do not recommend a succulent or anything fragile although I personally have had wonderful success with them, because if you’re someone who tends to affectionately overwater (playful laugh) or forget about your plants, I don’t want you to be sad when it shrivels up and dies(smiles) So, start with a cheap starter pothos that has paciencia (patience) and go from there.
Okay, I’m going to wrap up this episode but I want you to know that I truly care about you. I may not know you but I still care. I create this content because I understand the profoundly deep pain of loneliness and the way it can make mental health struggles more intense than they already are. And the idea of someone else feeling the way I've felt in the past and the way I sometimes still do, definitely weighs on my heart in a way that I can’t fully describe but I don’t want you to think you’re all alone and that no one cares because I invest my time, energy, money & soul into this content, into this episode (and it was an intense amount of work) Words can’t even describe the trials and tribulations I went through for this episode, I had to re record, I had deleted pieces, technological malfunctions, I mean the whole sha-bang. so just know that I do this because I care about you. These resources that I shared, from The Skin Deep, Ethel’s Club, The Trevor Project the warmlines like Empower Work, Anthony Padilla, Thoraya’s podcast, the Jubliee loneliness video, the support groups, the study with me videos...and all of the others, these resources exist because someone understands how it feels, and they cared enough about creating a space where other people feel connected and supported, that now I’m able to share them with you. So, please reach out, explore them, utilize them frequently, especially if you feel like you don’t have someone in person right now that you can talk to or lean on. And I actually I challenge you today for The Noggin Nurturing segment (where we choose one thing to invest and nurture in ourselves because I believe that much like plants we need gentle nurturing), I challenge you to choose one of the tips or resources I shared with you to try today, whichever one feels right for you to ease the loneliness a bit.
I encourage you to be as proactive as possible in cultivating connection during these times. You may have to go the extra mile to find some online friendships or support, and if you can, please be honest with those in your life to tell them that you're feeling alone (if you do have someone) because they may not realize or understand the extent of your struggles. I suggest scheduling dates for phone calls or check-ins with each other whether it’s friends or fa---family (oh my goodness, my stomach is growling, I’m sorry), send each other zesty memes, send each other thought-provoking articles or videos of cute little animals.
All of the links are there for you in the description and you can explore my other cozy episodes for more empowering mental health dialogues like how I sass depression as a black woman who's lived bipolar disorder for my 21 years of existence or how tatertots taught me to protect my energy. I have episodes about underrated college mental health tips, or low cost & free resources for support. I think you’ll love next week’s insightful episode so it would be an excellent idea to subscribe to The Noggin Podcast youtube channel or follow me on my new brand spanking new Twitter @Noggin_podcast so you can enjoy the next episode for your Monday morning.
If you enjoyed and valued this cozy episode and would love to support me in creating more empowering mental health content, please share this episode link to someone you care about, and again you can also become one of my lovely supporters at patreon.com/thenogginpodcast or anchor.fm/thenogginpodcast/support. As always, I deeply appreciate you, thank you so much.
The very last thing: If you already know me you can skip these 40 seconds and just head to the end of this episode, but if you are new here and you’ve never stumbled across me before, pleasure to meet you. Again, my name is Kyarra Keele. Aside from being the host of this podcast, I'm a four-time published author, soon to publish my fifth in a few months, I was a healthy lifestyle blogger for six years and I am an aspiring polyglot currently learning four languages. I was a mental health ambassador working as a liaison between the community and local health center to educate and support and progress the mental health dialogue and I've been navigating the mental health system for about a decade.
I'm deeply passionate about mental health service and advocacy because I believe that no one deserves to be hurting or feeling alone in this universe. I hope that my zest & compassionate podcast will cheer you along on your good days and offer a cozy and supportive haven for you on your more difficult days.
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The Noggin Podcast is brought to you today by Anchor. A practical app I actually use. The anchor app is the easiest way to record a high-quality podcast, and distribute it everywhere (including Spotify, Google Podcasts, Apple, & more) all in one place with one click when you release a new episode. No fancy equipment or experience necessary, and even better than all of that, it’s 100% free! I’ve tried a few other editing apps that make it a headache to import and export your audio files but Anchor’s intuitive platform makes it nice and easy.
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If you made it here to the conclusion of this episode, I just want to say thank you so much. Muchisimas gracias. If you’re interested in learning more information you can explore The Noggin Podcast official website, and you can show your love and support for compassionate mental health advocacy on our Patreon as well as following us on Twitter, Pinterest & The Noggin Podcast Youtube channel to be a part of our cozy home with new episode releases every Monday morning. (Smiling in voice) See you in the next episode! Nos vemos en el próximo episodio.
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